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Never Alone
Never Alone
I was only nine years old when she left me. Her frail body lay lifeless on the hospital bed, eyes still open as the last hint of breath escaped her pale lips. With heads hung low, my family stood over her, crying and mourning her loss. But, I couldn’t put my head down; I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
Suddenly, I saw her mouth slowly open and a faint light pour out. It became brighter and brighter as it circled above her almost blinding me. Frozen in my steps I stood, unable to speak and desperately hoping someone else would look up, but nobody did. They didn’t see it. It made a straight line up to the ceiling, a tumble of brilliant orange fog that spilled in the air above her then slipped out a nearby window. My knees finally unlocked and I ran to the window, pressing my face against it, hoping to follow the light, to see where my mother was going next.
Someone grabbed me from behind to try and console me, or perhaps they thought I was being rude running around and looking out the window at such a time, but I couldn’t help it. That was my mother’s essence and I didn’t want to lose it.
“Wait for me!” I screamed out the window, as the light lingered on a nearby tree branch in the park of the hospital grounds.
“Brandon honey, it will be alright,” said my Aunt Susan.
I turned back around to a room full of tear-filled faces staring at me, reaching out their arms. I looked back out the window at the essence hanging off the branch, getting ready to move on, impatiently waiting for me to make up my mind.
Slowly, I turned and faced the crowd of relatives, mapped out a path to the door and before I could change my mind I sprinted across the room, through the door, and down the stairs. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and it was a good thing too, because when I got to the tree, the essence had started to move along.
Across the hospital parking lot and into a nearby field she flew overhead, slowly dipping lower and lower as if she wanted to make sure I could catch up. After a few minutes we reached a creek where she lingered above the waterfall, creating a perfect rainbow that stretched overhead. We use to come here a lot before she got sick. We would swim, skip rocks and even go fishing. I never knew my father, but that didn’t stop my mom from teaching me all the things a father would teach a son. In a way, she was both, and so the loss seemed twice as hard.
She made her way to the other side, teasing me to move forward. I was always afraid to cross the creek, even in the shallow end, but as she moved along I knew I had to, or else I would lose her. Even in death, she is teaching me to be strong. Safely across the creek I continued to follow her, gasping for breath, my heart beating wildly and my eyes filling with tears at the sheer pain, love and heartache I was feeling.
When we reached the main road I realized we were outside of Tuckerman’s ice cream. She was lingering around the lamppost, causing it to shine even brighter than usual. She used to take me here every Sunday.
“What’s the best day for dessert?” she’d joke.
“Sunday!” I’d answer.
That joke never got old.
As I stared up at the glistening light of her essence, I felt anger fill my heart. I was angry that I couldn’t see her or touch her or talk to her just one more time.
“How am I going to live without you mom?” I yelled.
I felt my voice crack as the tears poured down my face. My hands trembled. Anger shot through my veins and I started bashing my fists against a nearby building.
She began moving again, down the street in the direction of our house. How can I ever step foot in that house again knowing she’s not there? Knowing that she will never be there again? I was getting tired, but she kept moving. Running on emotion, I picked up the pace and ran as fast as I could, keeping in time with her, with every street, every corner, and every driveway until we reached ours.
She lingered around the tree in the front yard. The one with the tire swing she had put up for me last summer. I slowly walked over and sat inside, wiping my face with my sleeve then wrapping my arms around the tire as if I was hugging her. Resting my head against the rope, I held on for a while, slowly swaying back and forth as if she was holding me in her arms, rocking me back to a happier time.
By now I had calmed a bit and she was making her way into the house through my bedroom window. I was hesitant at first, but I didn’t want to lose her. I carefully stepped up to the front door and with hesitation I opened it and stepped inside the hall. My legs froze. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to be here, in this house, knowing I would never see her face in it again.
My knees began to tremble and then a surge of anger ripped through my belly up into my chest and I began barreling up the stairs knocking pictures off the walls with my fists, pushing hallway furniture and plants out of my way and disregarding the sound of them smashing on the floor as I plowed by. When I got to my bedroom at first I couldn’t open the door because I was shaking so badly. I began punching and kicking it repeatedly until it finally flung open, landing me face first on the floor.
Tears soaked the beige carpet beneath me as I clenched my nails into it, screaming in pain. My heart ached and my stomach was turning. I couldn’t pick up my head; I didn’t want to look at the world. But she wouldn’t let me give up. Her light flickered off a snow globe that had landed on the floor directly in my line of vision. She had given me that snow globe just this past Christmas.
I crawled towards it, picked it up and cradled it in my palms, looking it over as if for the first time. The light circled throughout the globe and then quickly bounced up and out towards my dresser. I stood up and found myself staring back at my own reflection. My eyes were red and puffy, my nose runny, my lip was cracked and my fists were bleeding. The light surrounded the mirror.
“I can’t lose you,” was all I could say, over and over again.
Then I finally saw her. She was in the mirror, standing next to me. We had the same eyes, the same chin. The same dark hair and freckles around the nose.
She smiled and my heart lifted. We stood there, staring at each other in silence until finally she leaned over and whispered into my ear.
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you too, mom,” I said.
“I will always be with you, for I am in you, right here, always,” she put her hand on my heart.
I put my hand on my heart as well. I could feel her inside my heart, lighting me up as she always did. Making everything better, as she always had.
Slowly her reflection crossed over onto mine and then faded away.
She wasn’t gone. She was just inside me now, inside my heart forever, and as I live she lives, as I breathe she breathes. She is the light that guides me, and reminds me that I am never alone.
This story is dedicated to my childhood friend Theresa “Terry” P. Jones who died tragically on October 11, 2011 at the age of 37, in a fatal car crash leaving behind her young son. I dedicate this story to her and her son in hopes that he finds peace with her death.


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